Help Wanted

"You find out who your friends are. Somebody's gonna drop everything.

Run out and crank up their car. Hit the gas. Get there fast.

Never stop to think 'what's in it for me?' or 'it's way too far.'

They just show on up with their big old hearts.

You find out who your friends are." ~ Tracy Lawrence

With tears threatening to fall and trembling fingers, I quickly typed “Are you around and can you tie a tie?” Within seconds, one of my dearest friends who clearly sensed my heightened emotions even via text message, replied, “See you soon." For levity, he added, "Since when did you start wearing ties?”

Moments before, I was in the kitchen when one of my sons bounded in. With a hint of concern he announced he had just learned something new about tonight’s hockey game: the players needed to wear shirts and ties. The bus was leaving in an hour, and I felt my heart begin to race. My thoughts spun widely, and I questioned how something as simple as tying a tie, which would be so seemingly ordinary to most families, could have me on the edge of falling apart.

While I was relatively confident that I could find a YouTube video and manage some semblance of a tied tie for each of my sons, I recognized that this was not the moment for a tutorial on a Four in Hand knot or a Full Windsor. This was a moment that prominently reminded us of the tremendous void in our lives. Without Chris here to tie the ties, I understood that this was yet another trigger for a wave of grief that we needed to ride out, and another obstacle that my boys and I needed to overcome. I took a breath, steadied myself, and realized that my goals were simple. I needed to minimize the sadness, get the ties tied, and get my sons to their hockey game.

Without me even articulating the enormity of the situation, my perceptive friend entered our kitchen with a huge smile, a knowing look, and a much-needed hug. He then made expeditious work of tying each of the boys' ties while bringing levity to the situation with his quick wit and joking banter. As quickly as he arrived, he left with the obvious understanding that we didn’t need to prolong this moment. I later discovered that he had actually left a lunch with friends to come to our aid. I am immensely grateful for his assistance, ongoing, and unwavering support, but also for his discernment and perceptiveness within this scenario.

I paused for a moment after my boys left for their game to reflect on the situation. The wave of sadness had subsided, and I realized this moment marked a substantial personal achievement: I had asked for help.

Asking for help has always been a challenge for me. My independent and self-sufficient nature most often influences my desire to do things autonomously without the assistance of others. My grief journey has gifted me with the acknowledgement that asking for help is not a sign of weakness or inadequacy, but rather a triumph driven by necessity. I have learned that we are much weaker when we are overwhelmed and overcome by the enormity of insuperable tasks and situations. It takes fortitude and grace to have the courage to allow others to assist us.

I have come to recognize that paradoxically, humility is a beacon of strength. While I used to view needing help as being indicative of weakness, I now recognize that the act of asking for assistance is actually characterized by strength and my resolve to heal and grow.

That does not mean that I have found it easy to ask for help. In fact, I struggle to do so every single day. But each time that I am able to enlist the assistance of others, I challenge myself to do so with gratitude. I take time to acknowledge that I am incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by the immeasurable love and support of those who truly want to help and want to lighten my load. I take time to enlist humility and the recognition that I cannot do it all alone, and thankfully I do not have to. I have accepted that it is okay to need others.

Furthermore, I recognize that I am modeling for my sons that there are moments in life when we need to lean on others and alternatively times when we will reciprocate and allow them to lean on us. I am showing them that we can value independence and interdependence in tandem.

Since the monumental pre-hockey tie tying incident, the same friend assisted with having my sons fitted for new golf clubs when I realized I lacked the prerequisite knowledge to be much help. Another incredible family has assisted me with rides to and from hockey practices and games. I have also recruited the aid of other friends when I need help with school transportation or orthodontist appointments when I have professional conflicts. I have asked for assistance with things around the house that are beyond the scope of my experience.

Each time I seek the assistance of others, I am grateful and humbled by their willingness to show up for our family. I am also confident that there will be times those friends will lean on me, and I will come to their aid them with the same graciousness and kindness they have shown.

On days when I am feeling weak, I ask for help. With tasks beyond my skillset, I ask for help. When I am juggling my kids and my career, I ask for help. I am not only monumentally grateful to those who have come to our assistance, but also for the lessons I have learned and my newfound ability to ask for help.

When you are struggling, keep in mind that asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is indicative of strength, resilience, vulnerability, and most importantly the incredible desire to grow and overcome.

Love and Light,

The Unwavering Widow